When Someone You Love Is Into Pornography.

If you are in the middle of a crisis after discovering your loved one is into porn you may not be able to see clearly enough to know what your next step needs to be. The following 10 steps are meant to give you direction

1. It’s not your fault! Your loved one’s porn addiction has nothing to do with you. You didn’t cause it. It isn’t because you’re not thin enough or pretty enough. It isn’t because you’re not sexy or handsome enough. It isn’t because of anything you did or didn’t do. So don’t blame yourself. There is nothing wrong with you!

2. Seek help for yourself. Reach out for support. You can join a 12- step group. Look into getting counseling. It’s important to figure out how to take care of yourself during this difficult time. It’s important to work on your own issues.

You will need to find the strength to heal your own shame, pain and loneliness. You will need a plan on how to get through this situation. Trustworthy professionals provide comfort, encouragement and most of all perspective.

3. Pray. I believe in prayer. It’s another form of support. It will keep you positive and give you hope. You may be tempted to tell God about your big problem. Instead
tell your problem about your big God. Pray for direction. Pray for peace of mind. Pray for patience.

4. Confront your loved one. Ask questions and offer support. Do it without attack. Be bold, be gentle and be honest. Seek to understand in spite of your pain. Be prepared to listen. Do you hear a willingness to change?

5. Require your partner or spouse to get help and support. An addict can’t change without help. Help means a counselor, an accountability partner and a support group.

Porn is used to numb past and present pain. Addicts have unhealed childhood trauma. Porn is used to escape negative feelings such as self hatred, shame, and depression. With help other ways of coping will can found.

There is no way someone can heal alone. No way. Don’t kid yourself. If that were the case there wouldn’t be a problem. Realize that if an addict refuses to reach out for help change will be impossible.

With support healthy relationships are established and intimacy is learned. Intimacy is allowing others to see who you really are. Intimacy is about heart connections. When one knows intimacy porn is no longer needed to numb out the difficulties of everyday life.

6. Establish healthy boundaries. What decisions do you need to be made to protect yourself? Do you want to stay in the relationship if there is no change? Refuse to cover up for the other’s addiction. It won’t work.

Stand up for yourself and become 100 % responsible for your life and role in the relationship. Feel your pain. Share your feelings with sincerity and love.

7. Forgive. Forgive yourself and forgive your loved one. Forgiveness isn’t condoning the behavior. Forgiveness is refusing to get revenge. This is difficult to do. Ask God for help.

8. Controlling another isn’t an option. It’s not an option because it’s impossible. Trying to control someone’s behavior is a trap. Porn can be found everywhere. It’s impossible to get away from it. You can take away a computer and a television but that won’t keep an addict form porn.

A person addicted to porn has to heal his mind, body and soul. When that happens porn will no longer be an issue. Until that happens porn will always be an issue.

All the nagging in the world won’t work. Checking up on an addict won’t work. Porn filters won’t work. Asking for God’s help will work. Focusing on your own issues will work.

9. Learn patience. Recovery is a process. Recovery is work. It won’t happen over night. There will be set backs. There will be relapses. There will be ups and downs. Expect them. Learn to deal with them. If you are both working on your own issues and moving forward eventually you will find peace.

10. Expect a miracle. Have faith. Never give up. Give encouragement and hope. In the end if you don’t heal your current relationship it doesn’t mean you have failed. It means you have an opportunity to grow in a new direction!